In a way, being quarantined or social distancing with your family is like a strange social experiment. Under pressure, cracks that have existed might intensify. Often couples or families use tactics like keeping busy as a way of managing problems or conflict. Without the ability to be apart, strain and tension can begin to take a toll.
If things are starting to wind up, feel uncomfortable or getting intense, there are simple strategies we can use to create a safe space, enhance relationships, improve communication and learn to get along.
Let me help you and your family develop healthy, respectful and effective skills for living together.
I am available for telephone and online appointments through a secure and easy platform which can be booked at Living Wellness Centre or by calling 1-604-535-3335, you may also contact me directly at firstname.lastname@example.org
Our belief systems are wide open when we are born. We develop beliefs about the world we live in during the early years in our family, then in school and our community. Our young mind is a sponge soaking up everything we notice, experience and imagine. Along the way through life our rules of living become more solidified and we believe them.
Some of the rules we have woven into our book of living create stress, tension, pressure and discomfort. A large part of our population suffers with depression, relationship frustrations, unhappiness and stress related coping behaviours that have their root in believing these often rigid rules.
What “Rules” have you been following that cause you pain?
Lester grew up in a family that lived through the depression. Food was scarce and his parents were happy for any work that would put bread on the table. Mom and Dad wanted the best for him and his sister, sacrificing long hours of work so the kids could get a good education and then find a professional position. Lester grew up believing that success came in the form of a suit and an office job, the only problem was that he found working in an office very routine and boring. To counter his boring day Lester started to create excitement at night, gambling without telling his wife what he was doing.
Eventually his extra curricular activities caught up to him and through therapy he was able to go through the process of examining and disintegrating the beliefs that were not valid for him. Lester learned that what he had been led to believe about career success did not work for him, and that was ok. He was able to develop beliefs that felt more true and resonated with him. Lester followed his new rules and used his education to take a position as a sales representative which aligned with his desire for unpredictable experiences and pressure. He was much happier and felt more like the him he had always wanted to be.
Consider the rules you are living by, do they add or relieve pressure, safety or comfort? What alternative rules could there be? Looking at our own internal belief system from a more objective point of view is something I coach my clients through.
Our gadgets have become like second nature. Notice, do you automatically reach for your phone or tablet when you wake up and right before you go to sleep?
There is no question that technology can make our lives easier; however, our brain and nervous systems are “old-equipment”. What that means is that they are easily triggered—our mind and body, which are connected, cannot distinguish between real and imaginary events and they respond the same way. What we focus on can influence our physical and emotional state in both positive and negative ways. When our mind decides an experience or information (real or imaginary) is dangerous, it sets off the fight or flight response.
Reading articles or social media postings that can wind you up are jarring, disappointing, upsetting, and complex can create a chain reaction of stress in our body. Our mood, outlook for the day, and our sleep can also be effected.
How do you use social media? Are you comparing yourself to others? Is your brain exposed to disturbing pictures or content? Notice how that effects your sleep or your mood?
Rather than automatically reaching for a gadget, consider creating rituals in the morning and before bed. Rituals can allow you to set an intention and pave the way for thinking or feeling states to begin or end your day. It could be as simple as picturing your favourite place to be or a person to be with. It could be taking several cleansing breaths or as complex as a series of stretches, yoga poses, verbal statements, or even singing a favourite song. All of these options and anything else that resonates with you can become foundations of your wellness plan. These are many of the Embodied practices I teach my clients to calm their internal environment.
Next time your hand automatically reaches for a gadget, play with a different choice and notice the results.
Everywhere we look in today’s world it seems we are bombarded with stressful messages about the state of the world. So much of what we are reading or viewing is out of our control. What we can control though is what we choose to watch or listen to. If you have been finding yourself feeling more anxious, stressed or agitated than normal, observe what media you have been exposing yourself to. Follow these simple steps to start shifting your focus.
- Wake up and take a few moments to open your eyes, breathe and visualize or mediate briefly.
- Have a healthy breakfast and stretch or exercise if you have time before you check your phone, email or social media.
- Block sites that you notice trigger worry or agitation.
- Choose to avoid the news, focus instead on uplifting articles or stories they are just as real.
- At the end of the day turn off your phone, email and social media.
If you find your mind continues to race, your mood is angry you feel depressed or anxious for more than a few days seek professional help. Therapists like myself have a variety of techniques such as; thought work, hypnotherapy and mind/body techniques to help you resolve anxious or depressed moods. Very often clients I work with begin to feel better right away.
It is late at night and as you climb into bed much later than you had hoped you mentally review everything you have to do the next day. That list is full of things to do from your kids to your employer, your spouse, your family and even your pets but nowhere in there is You.
Does this sound familiar? You start to wonder why you are getting so short with everyone or spontaneously bursting into tears. Or maybe you find yourself hiding in the pantry shoving sweet or salty things quickly into your mouth or having that extra beer or glass of wine. Your migraines or backaches flair up or you just can’t seem to drag yourself out of bed.
Never fear, even a few minutes a day of You Time can dissolve that stress and resentment you might be carrying around. Here are a few quick ways to find some solace.
- Take a few extra minutes in the shower or bath and treat yourself to soap or shower gel with essential oils. Lavender is relaxing, citrus is refreshing, peppermint awakens your senses. Breathe in the fragrance of the essential oil you have chosen, close your eyes and experience what you feel. Where does your mind float off to? Just be with what ever comes up, no need to try and think or do anything.
- Find any patch of sun, take off your sunglasses and feel the sun on your face, your hands your fingers. Notice the sensation of the sun warming you. Breathe deeply and name any scent you are aware of, any sensations your body is feeling, anything you hear. Stay there quietly breathing for a few minutes.
- If you or a neighbour has a pet, quietly sit with that pet and feel the softness of their fur or feathers. Imagine breathing in time with them. Experience the exchange of energy between the two of you, do nothing.
- Leave your phone at home, office or in your bag. Find a park bench and simply sit and look at the blades of grass around you. Can you notice the textures and the colours? Are the blades all the same or slightly different? What colour are the flowers around you or the leaves on the trees? What sound does the wind flowing through the trees remind you of?
- Find a patch of dirt, your garden, a community garden a neighbours garden and pull some weeds just focussing on the act of your fingers gently pulling the weeds out of the earth. Inhale deeply paying attention to the rich scent of the earth. If you are able, plant flowers or vegetable and listen to the sound of the water as you moisten them.
- Find a tennis ball or other small ball and play catch against a wall. Feel the sensation of releasing the ball and closing your hand around it as you catch. Notice the sound of the ball hitting the pavement and the wall. Watch the ball bouncing towards the wall and back to you.
- Sit on a swing and just let your body remember the feeling of being free and floating and you swing back and forth. As you swing find a cloud in the sky and identify the shape that it is, what does that remind you of? What do the other clouds look like?
These are some simple, fast and effective ways to reconnect with yourself in your busy life and let you know that you are important. Just the process of being present for a short moment begins to dissolve your everyday stress.
I was walking with two of my favourite women the other day. Both of these women are intelligent, creative and outwardly attractive people. It was an illuminating moment for me as we were walking and each randomly brought up a physical feature that they were hyper aware of. This feature about their appearance was really bothering them and I could tell that they had been very focused on finding a solution to their “problem”. The interesting part of this experience was that I had never been aware nor could see the actual physical problem bothering them.
It made me wonder how much of our time and energy we bypass from a positive focus in our life to a feature of our appearance that we believe is holding us back. Yet what if no one else can see it?
I have certainly met both women and men who were holding themselves back in life until they…lost the weight…got into shape…got healthy….fixed some other aspect of their physical appearance
Our thought limitations so powerfully create this belief that we can’t achieve the things that we want until….that elusive situation comes to be.
What if the beliefs holding us back are not actually true? What if somewhere in our mind we created this false belief that we have rehearsed so many times it feels like part of who we are?
If you notice you are constantly criticizing yourself, or having a silent conversation around waiting to begin what you really want – after …… is resolved, life could be on hold because of a limiting belief. Now imagine yourself in the same situation free of the belief that was holding you back. How is your life?
The idea of limiting beliefs is old school Cognitive Behavioral Therapy developed by Dr. Aaron Beck. Today there are new pioneers like Byron Katie who have managed to put a new spin on old work.
In my practice I have had an incredible amount of success helping people break through and dissolve beliefs holding them back from living a rich and satisfying life. Watching beliefs dissolve is amazing, it is almost as if people can finally and freely breathe deeply.
One of the principles of natural horsemanship is to work your horse in short bursts outside of his comfort zone. The idea is that the familiar no longer stimulates his learning, so moving from familiar to unfamiliar and right back to familiar sandwiches new learning between something he is comfortable with. Slowly his training zone encompasses what used to be scary, so that new experience becomes familiar.
Think about this principle in your life. Remember when that new job, new sport or new experience gave you an anxious or excited feeling and now it has become routine.
When was the last time you pushed yourself a little bit to venture into uncharted territory. We are not talking about something that will blow your mind, just something that when you imagine it is slightly uncomfortable.
Imagine that experience, something you really want to do. Now imagine deciding it is too….something, too risky, too scary, too new. Close your eyes and scan your body after deciding not to do it. Do you feel relieved or disappointed? If you feel disappointed this is something you are ready to lean into.
How do you begin?
- Make a concrete decision to engage in the experience, even if it feels scary.
- Create a simple plan to prepare for the experience. What are the skills necessary to complete the experience?
- Break those skills down into small manageable steps.
- Create a realistic timeline by enlisting the help of someone with experience in this area. For example if you have always wanted to go ballroom dancing, ask an instructor to outline the process and time involved for learning one or two dances. Does it involve weekly lessons? How many hours of practice generally to prepare?
- Set a timeline based on your simple steps for your first experience. Ask someone who has already lived the experience to give you an idea of a realistic timeline.
- Start small and work your way up. By beginning with smaller experiences you build up your skills and confidence to handle the bigger experiences.
Live your life! It feels invigorating to push a little outside your comfort zone.
I very often see people struggling in their relationships, whether they are romantic partners, family or friends. Often these struggles have been going on for a very long time and create a huge amount of pain.
Lilly was in a long term relationship that was causing her endless heartache. Tom would say nasty things when he was drinking and unfortunately that was very often. It had not always been that way. When they were young and first going out he rarely drank, he was eager to try new activities and loved spending time with her. Things changed when they moved in together, he started coming home later and later and then not coming home. Lilly felt like she was walking on eggshells all the time because anything would set him off. She never felt like she could relax and started to suffer terrible migraines and bouts of depression.
Anytime Lilly suggested they work on their relationship or that he might cut down drinking Tom had a way of making her feel like it was all her fault. If she lost that ten pounds or kept the house cleaner or were more interesting, maybe he would stay home.
John’s mother was very critical of how he lived his life. During their weekly phone calls Mom insisted on a weekly run down of John’s accomplishments and would then pick them apart one by one. He came to dread Sundays. In person it was even worse. He started getting anxious just thinking about what to pick out to wear to dinner with her. No matter what he chose it would be too dull, too flashy, too expensive looking or not expensive enough. Holidays he used to enjoy now became a source of panic for him.
Hilda had been Pam’s friend for years and it was starting to wear her out. She supported her emotionally and sometimes financially during the long breakdown of Pam’s marriage. An agonizing event that took five years to unfold. Pam cannot begin to calculate the number of hours in person and on the phone she spent consoling Pam. The advice she took care to suggest just the right way, even though it was never followed. The money Hilda spent on cheering Pam up with breakfast, drinks or dinner. Now at a time in her life Hilda was having some challenges and reached out to Pam, Pam brushed it off and reverted the conversation back to herself.
These three relationships that although are different, have something important in common. We have the right to decide that a relationship no longer works for us. Even though society urges us to be “loyal” there are certain people we have connected to that continually drag us down. We continue in these relationships to the peril of our own needs.
If you believe you are experiencing one of these relationships, contact me because you matter just as much as anyone else!
Anne rose early every morning to make breakfast and lunch for her family, get the kids ready and off to school and then worked for eight hours as a customer service representative. After work she raced to pick up her kids at daycare and take them to soccer practice, swimming or karate. They ate in the car on the way there. During practice Anne rushed to do errands. Typically the family arrived home after 8:30 when she had to do laundry and get ready for the next day. On the weekends Anne took her mother shopping, sewed for extra money and tried to spend some time with her family.
Anne was having a hard time getting up, was feeling depressed and she and her husband were fighting a lot.
Jeremy worked for a large corporation and since it took over his old company the work pressures and targets had mounted significantly. He felt under pressure to perform, went in early, stayed late and was constantly on his phone or computer not wanting to miss opportunities for a sale. His partner felt like he was never present even when he was there. He started having chest pains and back aches. As this continued he realized he was getting increasingly short tempered and overly angry with his family.
When life pressures dictate unsustainable patters we fail to meet our own basic needs. The absence of our basic human needs very often results in emotional and physical symptoms.
Allow me to help you learn how to understand and meet your own needs so that you can enjoy a fulfilled life including positive relationships.
If you feel like you are not meeting your own needs, contact Jill.
It is no secret that technology is impacting our lives at rapid speed. In many ways technology is making your life easier but in some areas it is shifting the quality of our experience resulting in a palpable disconnection.
How many times of you seen people out to dinner where one or the other is on their phone?
The other day I drove past a mom , two young children on bikes laughing and their dad was walking and was on his phone. He was physically present for a valuable family experience yet he was completely disconnected from what was going on.
When we look into someone’s eyes and focus on them while talking, we signal to them that they matter, you are important and valuable to me is the message we convey. Unfortunately the allure of technology seems to shrinking the positive connecting experiences that people, family, friends, partners are having.
If you are a parent please consider that your child’s sense of value and worth is developing right now. That sense of self that they are developing will be with them for a lifetime. When you interact with them take time to focus on engaging with them and put down your devices.
For a husband or wife, give your partner time at the beginning, middle or end of them day when you focus on them for a conversation, a walk or another activity that is free of technology.
For a friend if you are meeting up, turn off your phone and enjoy being present in the experience of your friends.
Relationships grown stronger when we signal that we are engaged and interested, and they shrink when people are made to feel unimportant.